THE STRONG ARM OF THE LAW:
YARD ANNOUNCES TOUGH NEW MEASURES TO COMBAT SOUL FANS.
Under the Command of Detective Constable police person Tony "Pill Popper" Hatchet, this week sees London's first unmarked police tanks mingling with rush hour traffic.
These fast 36 wheel waterproof and shockproof tracked vehicles disguised as Ford Cortinas are authorised to smash clean through traffic jams to the scene of suspected incidents. Able to smash through most brick walls (and wooden fences) the police Q tanks can be used to saturate any area where Soul fans have been seen loitering with probable intent. Only in serious cicumstances (such as in the mass gathering of soul fans, 3 or more) will they open up with their 75mm turret guns to announce their approach.
As a deterent to the increase in All-nighters and All-dayers plain clothes detectives armed with machine guns, gas grenades and bottles of amphetamines will work alongside the local police throughout 1979. After challenging suspected pill heads or persons carrying more than one leg, the squads will order everyone within a one mile area to lay flat on the floor and bury their heads in concrete while any person or persons, are beaten to a pulp in the course of routine enquiries.
A trivial crime squad is soon to go into action to take the pressure off the Q squads. Two woman police constable persons and a toilet janitor will command a force of 6 part time civilians. Who will investigate all routine burglary, car thefts, or cases of assault. Based in Carlisle the team will cover all of Greater London on alternative Wednesday's and little bits of the home counties as soon as the pubs are closed. They are also thinking of having a phone installed.
So, look out, that Ford Cortina may be more than you think.
On a lighter note now here are some delightful items you should find for sale everywhere. DOLLS, DOLLS, DOLLS.
HAROLD WILSON DOLL - Wind it up and it knows nothing
JIM CALLAGHAN DOLL - Wind it up and it knows something but won't tell
DENNIS HEALEY DOLL - Wind it up and it knows nothing but will tell
TONY BEN DOLL - Wind it up and it nationalises itself
DENNIS HOWELL DOLL - Just wind it up
A PAGE TAKEN FROM 'SOUL SYMBOL' #6