Bitch of the year
A live argument between 2 bitter oponents live from the Empire Pool Grime Thorpe between 'Slogger Sam' and 'Left Jab Levine'.
Over to the ring side for round 1.
Well here they are facing up both look real mean tonight, Sam weighing in at 13 stone (12 stone without his Gary Glitter stick on hairy chest) and Levine declining to take the scales.
Ding Ding Round 1.
Sam, You fat, foureyed, bigheaded, hustling lollop merchant. Hows things.
Levine, You Welsh, illiterate, O.A.P., Stomping Maniac. I hear they're pressing The Ellingtons, they can't record off mine I was experimenting last night with the new bass control on my record player 'A brick' and it's worn through to the 'B' side.
Sam, I hear you got L.J. Cornflakes into the charts and are buying your own pressing plants to turn out three foot disco disks in quadrophonic sound lasting three hours each so you have time to lumber to the pisstones and back in time to put the next one on.
Levine reals back on his bum, first round to Sam.
Levine, Here's one for you then Sam. I'm using Cross and Blackwell disco mixes now instead of Tom Moulton, figure that out.
(Sam stunned into silence)
Because all his records go P.Soop, P.Soop.
Sam falls on his Jades and smashes it. Round 2 to Levine.
Sam, Well Levine move over I'm getting into recording the re-done Jewels on Stateside Demos using a new drumming technique.
Levine, What's that your belly bouncing on a drum.
Sam, No Tarzan using pick axe handles on old oil refinery drums and Mirwood session men using trampolines and over head power cables for bass. A Paddy who works in a Blacksmiths and an escaped lunatic (from the same home as Dave McCadden) who works as a panel beater then a phneumatic drill operator for arranger.
Levine scrapes in the corner miserably after receiving a refund from Charles Atlas. Round 3 to Sam.
Sam, Submit Levine.
Levine, No wait I've just got a loan off Daddy. I've bought Dr.Buzzard and the Crown Heights Affair, I've cut an album "Hustle, Bump, Dance your Ass off, Get down, Blow your whistle and Jam, Jam, Jam". Using Jodrell Bank Domes for high hats and a computer working the violins, horns and writing all material it's gonna be No.1 at the N.Y./Blackpool Mecca.
Round 4 to Levine.
Sam, I've got more muscles in my spit than you've got in your body.
Levine, Shut up or I'll sit on you. - Sam thinks quickly -
Sam, Anyway I'll be here stomping when you're gone.
Levine, How do you figure that.
Sam, Well I've just measured the Ritz and Blackpool doors, they only measure 8 x 5, how are you gonna get your records in.
Levine crumples to the floor like a used Durex. Sam remains the King.
Taken from 'NEW SOULTIME' issue No.4