Frank Olson's Column. . . . . . The bare facts from Frank himself.
Yes, my readers here I am again taking time from Abuse & Soul to bore the pants off you in typical Frank Olson style. Thought you might like to know that my recent operation went very well and from now on please address all mail to Mrs. Frank Olson! As you know I've been beetling around M/C visiting shops and molesting young children, and jumping off high buildings in order to bring you the Northern news only 3 weeks after it happens. I've been a bit behind lately so I'll catch up in my next column and let you have a report on The Torch, The Pendlum and an exciting exclusive story about a new all-nighter possibly starting at Wigan Casino, so read my next column.
Dave Godin has just told me that he's a vegetarian and as soon as I find out what that means I'll become one too, as you all know I'm Dave's biggest fan, which isn't bad when you remember I'm only 4'6". I may be quitting my post as Chief Rat Catcher, as there is a vacancy for a bouncer at Mothercare and I'm applying, alongside Ronnie Corbett and Arthur Askey. I'm more likely to get the job as they're 10 years older than me. I haven't much room left so I'll just briefly tell you of a few disco's I've recently checked out.
Warrington over 40's Brass Band Annual Stomping Contest. Absolutely brilliant, full of vibes, great brasswork and smashing cheese sandwiches. Come here every year, (now there's a novelty!) never disappointed. Mrs Winterbottom's hot cocoa is unbeatable and she's got a smashing pair of bookends. DJ's Ageold Archie and Orson Welles brother -in-law Orson Carriage.
Luton Girl's Choir End Of Term Rat Bashing Celebration. What can you say about this? Rat bashers from all over Salford arrive at Three in the morning, rub gravel into their brains, read Melody Maker and finally on horseback chase Des O'Connor for three miles before cutting off his dreadlocks. Coronation Street looks pale after this. Don't forget to stand well back when they screw his leg to a coffee table.
The Stockport Dirty Old Men's Annual Flash On The M1 Bypass Near Chipping Sodbury. And I thought the Torch was lively. I arrived early to catch sight of Ian Levine's entry, it was a magnificent specimin and looked smashing in that glass case. Don't forget your dirty mac, and apart from that wear nothing but a smile. At 5 in the afternoon, walk to the edge of the motorway, unbutton your coat and show the startled motorists what you're made of, and fellas, rise to the occasion. Then it's straight back to the pavillion for a spot of paraffin tasting. Too much, call me 12" Frank.
The Fish Counter At W.H.Samuels (M/C Branch). Probably the event of the year. I sat patiently and waited for the first customer to arrive. A grubby looking transvestite sauntered over at 9 o'clock moving at a very fast pace. The crowd rose in anticipation but at the last minute he veered off to the Ladies Underwear Stall. Everyone sat down dissapointed. Then over by the Powder Puff Tent I spotted a small man with a bowler hat and scarf crawling along the floor in the direction of the Fish Counter. I didn't want to build up my hopes as there was nothing unusual about that. Then, when I least expected it he leapt up and ran to the counter. The crowd went wild as he took out his wallet and bought 2lb of Haddock, yes 2lb! People were falling round everywhere, so I put my shoes back on. Right behind him came Elsie the tea lady. She pushed her trolley over to the counter and said in a low voice "Supposing I was to say 2lb of Cod?". The girl behind the counter turned to the crowd and they nodded with glee (this was fun) Elsie made her purchase and then said in an even lower voice "Supposing I was to say Tony Blackburn?" Once again the young assistant turned to the crowd, but they'd already made a run for it, they were horrified. So that was that, pretty dissapointing on the whole. Now for the real meaty stuff.
So there you are, I've had a letter from a reader in St Helens so I'll read it to you. "Dear Dave Godin, you know how much I fancy you . . . . . . ." oops!!! sorry, wrong page (I must remember to post that one). Here it is "Dear Frank, I say Dear, but you know how much I joke, I just thought you might like to know that it takes me 5 minutes to read your column these days (Does this guy read it twice?), you are completely out of touch with the northern scene, one would think you'd understand grassroots as you're nearer the floor than anyone else, but your coverage of the northern scene is little more than abysmal" signed IVOR, Melton Mobray . . . . . . . . . Mind you I do get some bad letters, they don't always praise me! Finally here are a few things that I like: SMALL WOMEN, DAVE GODIN, BOBBY BLAND, DAVE GODIN, LAMONT DOZIER, DAVE GODIN, DRINKING CIDER THROUGH A STRAW, 10 WOODBINES, DAVE GODIN, BOB MILLS, DAVE GODIN and of course my memories which I have been asked to write by Goat Breeders News. I often think about the old clubs, in particular The Wheel, which I helped build as I was a hod-carrier for Lego at the time. What happened to that last line? Keep the faith.